Refocus

First of all, can I just take a moment and acknowledge the beauty of light?

Mmmmmm...

Okay, so I have almost all but forgotten about my poor blog! I feel a little bad. You would think I don't like this space anymore, but that is far from the truth. What I do think is that my need for this blog has lessened. I have other modes of expressing my thoughts and feelings. I feel I won't be able to give up this space, though. It is special to me, helped me through one of the toughest, most confusing transitions in my life.

Also, as I have said before, I am a bit distracted and guarded.

In the realm of my intimate experiences/relations with women, I'm feeling really great these days. The woman that has appeared to my life and currently takes residence in my heart and mind has enriched my life from cold gray to rich color. I think of her always: her heart, her sillyness, her smooth, dark skin, her locs, her deep, accented voice (okay PAUSE: I'm a sucker for accents anyway, but I ADORE hers especially because... well it is HERS! She has to speak slower than she normally would because I don't always understand what she is saying. But, when she gets riled up/excited, fussing or whatever, she grabs her roots and it just flows. I love it!!! Lol...)

Her amazing vibes... Have you ever known someone whose energy just felt so good around you? Her presence in any form feeds me. My Angel... I'm enjoying her here in my chapters. I hope she stays to the end.

Random Music Break:

Of all the women I have had some sort of association with, I think I have written the least about Angel here. It isn't that I don't write it out concerning her, it is just that I've grown a bit wary of sharing anything personal about myself especially my relationship. Even among my friends and at work, I'm the "mystery lady". I am now extremely private. I just don't like to share anymore. I find it helps me/us stay free of attacks. People will talk anyway, but at least now they don't have the truth of my intimate life to pick apart and (for some) attempt to destroy. I've learned my lesson.

So, now I THINK my blog will be "less" personal and more about enjoying the beauty of women "...in all its forms."

How can you not appreciate this beautiful form?

Shell

I don't like to share myself anymore. I am clearly sensitive, yet not handled with care.


So, I retreat back into the darkness of depth. I close myself off from light, folding my openness into a compact form. I then remain perfectly still, perched in obscurity, away from all the scrutiny.


Yet for the one who deserves the show of me, I will relax and loosen my guarded wrap. For her only, I will come out of my shell and share my inner myself.

The Company of You

♫...Wait for me, wait for me.

I'll be coming home. Wait for me...♫

~The Righteous Brothers~

You hug me. You kiss me.

My eyes drift to the ground as they fill. My lip is bitten to hold back the whimpers that try to break free. A deep sigh shudders through my body threatening to be my last breath.

♫...I can't live without your lovin', baby, can't you see?♫

It is so hard to leave you, to watch you depart from me. I am accustomed now to the warmth of your colors in my company. I cannot get enough. Too much? Never.

♫...I can't explain the way I feel when I'm around you...♫

I try to be strong, but to be away from you feels vacant and chilly. And the moments float by at a speed that seems much reduced from when you are near me.

♫...nothing else in this world comes close to you...♫

But then, I remember you are still with me even when you are not. The essence of you that remains within me comes out to surround me, comfort me. Streaks splash randomly across my thoughts, painting for me the promise from your heart that you will soon return to me...

♫...Please, don't let me down...♫

~Joss Stone~

You hug me. You kiss me.

Emotional Delicates

People who try to be are hard would call me soft. Oh well. So what. I am a sensitive person. Like I always say, I have a bit of May Boatwright in me. My emotions are supersensitive concerning my personal life as well as certain things that go on in the world around me. That is just a part of the make up of ME.

Focusing on Angel, just a slight change of tone in her voice could have me on the verge of tears. Now, I'm not as bad as I used to be. Thanks to a bit of maturing, I am sometimes able to talk myself out of my crazy sensitivity before it even becomes an issue. But, there are certain times of the month when my emotions are beyond my reason control, and I turn little things into medium or large things.


What could be an addition to this possible problem is that Angel is supersensitive just like me. (We are so much alike it freaks me out sometimes. Our triggers are somewhat different, but both of us could cry at the drop of a hat when it deals with each other.) I can't tell you how many times in the four months we have been seeing each other seriously that we have had to have serious, emotional talks because one (or both) of us was feeling tender.

Notice that I said "COULD BE" and "POSSIBLE" problem. The truth of this matter is that our mutual emotional delicacy is NOT a problem in our relationship. Actually after a couple of days of analysis (LOL), we have determined that the fact that both of us are the same helps us to empathize with the other more and have increased patience as well as respect for each other's feelings.

What I really enjoy about my extremely new relationship (besides the degree of maturity that both of us are putting forth) is that we talk. We talk everything out. It is refreshing that nothing has time to fester in silence. If one of us pokes out a lip, we deal with it right then. I think we are able to talk because of our surprising level of comfort we have so soon with each other which is also helping us to build our trust steadily and solidly (something that both of us see as crucial). 

I think eventually our emotional delicacy with each other will become less intense. We are still learning each other after all. But even if it doesn't, we will always have what we need to stabilize US.

Another Aspect

You know... I so love the effect of a humorous person in my life.

Angel just makes my world so much more vibrant and less stressful with the words that come out of her mouth. I love that she has the funniest, quick-witted responses that catch me completely off guard. I love that she makes me laugh hard. I love that I can make her laugh just as hard. I love that she loves to laugh like me. I love us giggling the day away in bed finding humor in anything.

This is what I wanted. Another aspect of what I dreamed materialized in her. 

She is the one I want to laugh with always.

I hope we continue...

In Lyrics

♫...Sometimes, some lies can take a minute to fully realize...♫
~Alicia Keys~

♫...No longer blind, I can focus on deception...♫
~Mariah Carey~

♫...I can see what you're doing...♫
~Joss Stone~

♫...How the time can go on...♫
~Commodores~

♫...It's forever and ever, forever and ever...♫
~Mariah Carey~

♫...lonley brokenhearted...♫
~Brandy~

♫...I'd been had. I was sad and blue,
but you made me feel...♫
~Madonna~

♫...like the Fourth of July.
The way you hit me was a big surprise...♫
~Imani Coppola~

♫...There's something about you, girl...♫
~INXS~

♫...The way you look at me when you think
I'm not looking. The way you call me up
just to see what's cooking...♫
~Esperanza Spalding~

♫...I can't stop my mind from thinking of you...♫
~Joss Stone~

♫...I want to explore...♫
~Alicia Keys~

♫...I look in your eyes. Now, I know...♫
~Whitney Houston~

 ♫...You're beautiful...♫
~James Blunt~

♫...My mind is spinning, these funny feelings.
I can't stop smiling, babe...♫
~Conya Doss~

♫...I've been looking for someone like you...♫
~Lenny Kravitz~

♫...You're my joy, and everyday you make it all right...♫
~Tamia~

♫...I only pray that I have shown YOU a brighter day...♫
~Stevie Wonder~




♫...What you think about me and you being together?♫
~Joss Stone~

♫...I don't care if my words sound absurd...♫
~Joss Stone~

♫...You never know if you never try...♫
~Adele~

♫...It seems like you're ready...♫
~R. Kelly~

♫...Come on, angel. My heart's on fire...♫
~ Janet Jackson~

♫...If you can reach me, you can feel my burning flame...♫
~Beyonce~

♫...Don't be afraid to feel...♫
~Chaka Khan~

♫...If you were mine, I wouldn't want to go...♫
~Sade~

♫...I'll be right there, baby, holding your hand...♫
~Jewel~

♫...I'd be good to you...♫
~Meshell Ndegeocello~


♫...So won't you try to come?
Come away with me, and we'll kiss...♫
~Nora Jones~

♫...A new beginning starts...♫
~Robin Thicke~

♫...We'll be lovers for a lifetime...♫
~John Legend~

♫...I'll see life in, you'll see life in,
we'll see life in 3D...♫
~The Floacist~

♫...That's why we're beautiful...♫
~Beyonce~

♫...Let it be...♫
~The Beatles~

Imagine

Vividly,
I allow myself to imagine...

I've won the lottery!
Visions come to me-- all kinds of joyful happy.

Basking in the brightness of each colorful day.
In the calm of warm comfort I contently lay.

Less worry in this new security.
Will the gamble finally deliver a favorable probability?
Do I dare believe in the possibility?

Uncontrollably,
I allow myself to imagine...

The experience of rich love between you and me.

My Angel, Oh Angel

This song has always been with me, even a part of my blog's soundtrack from the very beginning.

Now, I know why.

♫...You're so strong but tender too. You're my angel...♫

♫...When things get tough I can always turn to you.

You're my angel...♫

That Place

OMGoodness! I know it has been a while since I have been over here, but I have been distracted!

I can't help it. All I want to do is spend time with her. The only reason I am over here right now is because she is busy at the moment, and I am looking for things to do to pass the time.

So let me see. I think the last time I wrote I was talking about being excited about a new relationship possibilty. Well, I'm still excited only now I am super duper excited.

We have not yet decided to be "together" although to the outside world we might look to be. THE most important things to us are our friendship and the development of a quality romantic relationship which are two of the reasons why we are moving super, SUPER slow. (I mean damn!) But, coming from a relationship that moved faster than the speed of whatever is the fastest, it feels to be the smart thing to do. I think this will make "us" more... solid.

I must admit that I like her more and more every day to the point of giggles (never thought I'd be giggling again). She is so good to me. We are good to each other. I like that she knows how to handle me and has no hesitation in telling me how it is and/or what she thinks and feels. She TALKS! She EXPRESSES! She EXPLAINS! Yay!

I try really hard to leave my apprehension behind and not be scared, but it is difficult. Whenever I feel in my heart a surge of growth in emotional feeling for her I want to cry because I'm reminded that I am once again in a vulnerable place.

Attention

♫...Like you hold me, I wanna hold you....♫

~Alecia Chakour & the Osrah~

That moment...

When I finally stop, and take FULL notice.

When she suddenly has my complete,

undivided attention,

I clearly see how hers has always been on me.

Curiously entranced by the one

who listens.

And now, both held in equal suspension,

we smile and set this free,

excited to see what we will grow to be.

When?

Everything that made me feel relaxed and secure in the past-- the words, the promises, the gestures-- it seems so familiar in the present. My heart remembers how eveything was the last time, and it matches to how everything is this time.

But, the previous came to an end. Security failed me, easily dumped me, left me to shatter into a broken-hearted mess without a second thought.

And so now I suffer from an involuntary action, a side-effect that's a result of heart preservation--- searching for the ending near the beginning...

When she smiles at me, I wonder when will she not.
When she laughs at my jokes, I wonder when will she not.
When she wants to spend time with me, I wonder when will she not.
When she gets excited over me, I wonder when will she not.
When she enjoys me, I wonder when will she not.
When she listens to me, I wonder when will she not.
When she talks to me, I wonder when will she not.
When she shares intimately with me, I wonder when will she not.
When she touches me, I wonder when will she not.
When she holds my hand, I wonder when will she not.
When she hugs me so tight, I wonder when will she not.
When she takes comfort in me, I wonder when will she not.
When she kisses me, I wonder when will she not.
When she feels sexually for me, I wonder when will she not.
When she comes "only for me", I wonder when will she not.
When she misses me, I wonder when will she not.
When she shows care for me, I wonder when will she not.
When she adores me, I wonder when will she not.
When she wants to make me happy, I wonder when will she not.

And when she says she really likes me for me,
I see and feel all her sincerity.
Yet, I don't allow any of it to travel to my heart,
because I'm too busy wondering... when she will stop.

Musical Pleasure

This lady is fucking amazing! The talent and practice it takes to sing AND play this smoothly... my goodness. Awesome! I cannot wait to see her live in May.

Oh, and I really love that she could care less about looking cute while she is performing. She is like "if I need to make this face to make that sound then it is going to happen. Fuck cute! I'm a singer dammit!"

And I also like the fact that her voice mistakes a little which to me keeps her human and the music real.

Please listen and think about the skill and control it takes to pull this off. Before she sings, you can actually see her go into that head space where she needs to be. *Applause*

Lol...I guess I go overboard and get passionate about real musical talent because currently it is often overlooked. I mean she was actually backlashed for winning Best New Artist at the Grammys last year because popular music wanted some manifactured, bubble gum music boy to win.

REALLY? You are going to have no respect???

Now, every type of music genre is good in its own way and deserves its place. I understand and respect that. But I admit it. I am musically biased. I believe that people who can actually sing and/or play an instrument are superior (talent wise) to those who really can't and use illusions to take the focus away from the fact.

Don't get me wrong. Some of that musical illusion shit is fun and great and I DO like it, too. But, I just cannot even grasp at the understanding of how people who have to rely on stage theatrics to distract the listener from the fact that their singing talent is mediocre could be or believe that they should be grouped with artists who only need their instrument(s) and a microphone to hold an audience mentally and emotionally captive with their musical storytelling.

I just don't like it when actual talent is overlooked for what seems to me to be light-weight musical foolishness (which I have plenty of in my iTunes). I mean really... Why is it that even my mother knows who Rihanna is, but only a handful of people in this world know who Meshell Ndegeocello (one of my FAVORITE artists ever) is. There is something wrong with that.

That is my opinion. Deal with it! Lol...

♫...Give your love, life your life each and every day...

'Cause you can never lose a thing if it belongs to you...♫

Oh by the way, I'm currently searching for good rock BANDS to add to my music collection. Bands that have music and lyrics that makes you feel. I am open for suggestions!!! Thanks.

In Transition

Hmmmm, I feel like I haven't been over here in a while. Sometimes, I wonder if I am out-growing this space.

Anyway as I scan my last few posts, I realize that my love life has progressively changed. I think of my ex less and less. She isn't anymore the first person I think of in the mornings or the last person I think of at night as I drift off to sleep. I never thought I would be here... okay-- able to make it through a day without pain or crying intensely.

Of course, I haven't communicated with her in about a month. I avoid any type of update about her life, and I absolutely believe that this is what is best for me. I do not for a minute deceive myself into thinking that I am not still in love her, or that hearing ANYTHING about her would not send me back into my depression. So, I stay away from her, and she stays away from me.

We agreed to remain friends in our last communication, but I do not feel like I am ready right now to actively participate in it. My heart still beats for her, but I hope once my heart moves on we can then actively be real friends. Time is what I need. Time is my friend right now in this.

And yes, having another peson in my life has helped me through. I am aware. It was the classic rebound situation, yet it has moved beyond that. I care for her greatly. We are light to each other. My feelings for her grow daily, and I can see a possible future with her. Yet, we remain just friends--romantic friends, until...

So my current relationship status is as follows:
In Transition...



Là Pour Moi

So, Angel and I were just hanging out tonight, and everything is fine until something random happened that completely killed our relaxed and tranquil mood.

Suddenly, we are in this extremely emotional conversation discussing issues concerning "us". What was pouring out of us was very heavy, but when all was said and done, I feel that we grew closer together... as friends.

It is weird how tonight came about, but in the end that doesn't matter. What matters is that I am there for her, and she is there for me.

Friends first--- Always.

♫...And everytime I lose my way, you shine for me and I'm okay.

You lift me way beyond it all, and you never let me fall...♫

That Special Feeling

Hello! Okay. So, my birthday was so nice this year. :) I felt ENTIRELY special!

You see, I'm not one of those "You better go all out for me, it's my birthday, Dammit!" girls. I'm one of those "private, intimate, MEANINGFUL gestures" girls. And I got just that. I mean, I haven't smiled like I did that night in a long, long... Did I say long?... time-- from the inside. It was so real and huge and permanent on my face that my cheeks actually started to cramp! My face muscles were like "WTF is going on here?! We haven't been stretched like this in a while!"

Anyway, I must say that things appear to be looking brighter around me. That hazy gloom that has surrounded me for what seems like forever, looks to be clearing out... Finally.

The Phase of Anger

I've gone through phases: sadness, depression... right now I am angry.

I contemplate throwing away the memories I have collected of my last relationship. Everytime I see that pretty box full of lies, I am racked with pain. Everytime I see that trick of a book, my eyes fill with tears.

None of it was real. It was so easy to write love letters that were fiction, to play with my emotions-- The maybes. The maybe nots. The I mights. The I might nots. Here's my heart! Nope! Just kidding!!

A toy swirling in confused circles for laughter. I see I was the joke. Joke's on me. You laugh at me.

I am angry with myself for falling for it so completely and sincerely, angry for being the only one in it-- the only one who cared anything about it.

I am angry because my effort was the only work put into saving us. I was the only one laboring on a job built for two. Everything rested on me, my shoulders. I was supposed to be super human. And when it failed, it was my fault. I could only be seen for the mistakes I made. I was only human and that wasn't good enough.

How is that fair?

To not speak to her. To only sit there and see the person who loves you trying her hardest to fix the wrongs, exerting a mighty act to salvage what is collapsing-- how and why is it that all these things would be seen as negativity... if you really love her also?

I see now that I was never really loved. I know this because I don't believe real love to be transient. I don't believe that you can really be IN love with someone and not be moved to save it, yet just sit back and watch the relationship die tragically with an indifferent, cold attitude. You would at least TRY with an equal effort.

The love shared matters to both. Two people working together makes love endure. That is the only way.

I did not matter. I was not worth it. I was not really loved.

So all of the memories I have collected are trash and belong where I was thrown so easily, in the garbage.

But, I won't do this. I decided to keep every bit of it as a reminder-- as wisdom because I don't ever want to forget this lesson learned the hard way and have to retake the course.

I feel myself entering another phase: relief.

Strangers Again

We are strangers again, just like we were before.

Unfamiliar.
Forced to carry on as if we never met and loved.

Thoughts- full to Thoughts- less.
We live our lives without daily knowledge.
I do not know you, and you do not know me.

Uninvolved.
We continue our lives now on parallel lines.

And we are strangers again, just as then in time.

Growing Time

Sooooooo... my birthday is coming up really soon, a note-worthy one, and I am feeling some kind of way about it. It is a mixture of gratefulness and fear.

I am grateful always to be able to spend another year with family and friends in good health, with a great job-- now my love life sucks balls, but I'm beginning to see around me that I am not alone in that even though the image portrayed is that of "We are so in love. Our family is perfect." I never want to take for granted the fact that I am still here.

The fear I am feeling is most definitely a superficial fear... aging. Yes! I am being shallow for a moment. Now, I welcome maturity-- I look at some late teens, early twenty year old females and tell myself I would never want to go back to being that stupid and loud for no damn reason. BUT, I would like to remain looking like I do.

Lol Come on! I am not the only one! The promises of the fountain of youth is a billion dollar industry! I will not say that this consumes my thoughts, but I do pay attention to it more that I did ten years ago.

So as my birthday approaches next week I am telling myself to not focus on the fact that I am getting physically "older", but focus on the fact that I am blessed with the opportunity to experience more and grow wiser.

And even though I do not get to spend this time with the woman that I love since she is no longer in my life the way my heart would want her to be, I still plan on having a great time with the woman who makes me feel younger every day.

Without

♫...Without you, I'm without...♫

♫...I'm crossed out...♫

~Ashlee Simpson~

I feel a deep void-- inside.

Something is missing-- inside.

An element crucial to life has been stripped from-- inside.

And now everything good around me is a blur, a cluttery mess-- obscured by emotional chaos, unable to be appreciated as it should.

I walk, talk, sit, and eat in a robotic daze, staring off into a blank space, an empty place-- unable to focus or care.

I've been wiped out. I am erased.

No longer alive-- a hollow shell, I continue to live.

♫...And now you've taken part of me...♫

~Joss Stone~

One Thing I Love About Myself

I love that no matter how emotionally awful I feel/ how depressed I get, I can still see humor through my tears and genuinely laugh with ease.

I'm a Humor Whore!

I've learned that comedy keeps me sane. Laughing saves me from the pain that threatens my existence. It is how I survive.



LOL!

Love vs. Like

Thoughts of... ?

 I miss... ?

I don't expect to be understood. I do not understand.

You know, it just flowed naturally. I never thought we would be led this way-- that we were meant for more, that I would be this to her and she would be this to me. We were just hanging out, being there for each other, doing what friends do... laughing, talking, comforting.

But now, here we are.

She Likes me-- beyond our friendship.

She has written, spoken, and displayed this. No doubt about it. It's a terrifiying reality for her-- the first time she has admitted these emotions for the same, even to herself.

I think, "Are you crazy!? ME as your first experience? I am fucked up right now emotionally. Why would you do this to yourself?"

I say, "You are putting your heart out on the line wanting me. I am in love with someone else!"

She says she knows all this. Yet, she is willing to take a risk for a possibility of happiness with me.

How did this happen?! I don't know how I feel about it-- so many ways. I am moved. I am scared.

Such an unusual feeling now to cry in her arms when the memories of Love break me down by forcing me to remember-- mourning and longing for what should could have been.

"This is weird." I whisper. "Yes, it is, but I'm your friend first." she whispers back.

In the midst, I notice her-- I see her. I hear her. I smell her. I touch her. She feels good to me in every way. I begin to see her as a possibility.

And I realize I Like her, too-- beyond our friendship.

She has such a genuine spirit about her that is attractive to me. She is sensitive like me. She cares about people. She has a contagious positive attitude. I love her company. We hang out a lot together doing nothing. We laugh SO much, and I feel comfortable with her which is greatly important to me.

Our physical tensions are a bit intense. We want to explore this, but we hold back from going there. It will be a major step for her... and me too. It is more important to take time. Patience to form quality.

So, the battle within me: in love with one while liking another... one rules while the other reigns.

That shit does not work!

"WTF?!" is what my mind is saying yelling to my heart.

I am chaos inside.

My Love is strong, solid, and real keeping me in the past, but life is too fucking short to dwell back there and not move on to pursue this Liking interest.

Of course, she wants me to completely let go before we try.

I don't know when I will be ready. I fight daily to pull myself out of what was, to heal myself, to build back trust-- for her, for another chance, for THE chance to finally win . ? !

OH. MY. FUCKING. GOODNESS...